To me defense mechanism is all about finding a secret door to escape all problems. Many of us might have learned this very term in psychology lectures but most of us must have witnessed it in real life. At least I see it everywhere.
To the girl who tells the world she is fine while she dies inside with every passing day. To the man who takes all pains and pretends to be all sorted in front of his family, to the woman who is juggling multiple roles and needs rest but refrains from asking for it because she thinks it too much to ask for, to the kid who is uncomfortable with the daily fights and arguments between his parents but walks to college with a smile on his face, to the young addict who is trying to get rid of the thought of his ex gf who just got married, to the lady with kids whose husbands threatens her to divorce her yet she continues to live the so called happily ever after……. and to every human being who is unable to express and vent out what they feel….I have one message; “Speak up, let it go, its ok to cry, its ok to not be ok and its completely ok to touch your lowest because that is when you rise and shine.
To a mentor, I once had Sir Tariq back in my school days, thank you sir, for you gave me a piece of advice that has stayed as my defense mechanism for so long. When you said: “humaari zindagi k 90 percent maslay tab hal hojaengay jab hum yeh sochna chor daingay k log kya kahaingay”.
That very moment I dint really realize what this teacher was telling me. But to be honest my life has taught me that it’s all about the practical implementation of this statement. However, the part of the world we live in makes us think consider people and their preferences and their perceptions way above than our perception about ourselves. Only because we have been trained to do so. Putting people before our own choices just to fit in the sick society. Society that never gets impressed let alone satisfied with the way others dwell their lives. And this is a part of human nature to criticise what we find different or surreal or contradictory to our self made norms and standards. But at the end of the day we need to define the percentage of how much and how often should the opinion of OTHERS matter to us.
I mean you lay down in front of a few people and they would still think you weren’t flat enough. So, why to stress over what OTHERS think? In Asian families it is almost like we live for OTHERS, their approval of our very lives while in reality it shouldn’t really matter unless they pay our bills or declare a clear ownership of our lives in one way or the other.
Resultant to this is the development of a “defence mechanism”. Our youth is so well trained to conceal their feelings through one or the other defence mechanism, no wonder a considerable percentage is suffering with mental health issues. In the name of respect they can’t raise their voice, they can’t present new ideas, in the name of “family values” kids are bound to become either a man child or a lady withe least self esteem always looking for a male counterpart to feel complete.
It hurts, it really hurts bad the way I see guys in their late 20s unable to make the most important decisions of their lives be it career, spouse or family planning without the consent of their dads, moms, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins…sometimes even the elderly neighbours lol thinking “log kya kahaingay”. And let me tell you the sad part, when an adversity strikes none of these LOG really do help. Lol. It’s like they pack their opinions in a big bag and vanish, as the waters get rough. Lol. The point to ponder remains; would you get another life? Because that should be the only reason why you should let someone else govern your first life as a trial.
To parents my message is to trust your kids with their life choices. Be their friend. Someone they know would stick up when things get rough. Because there isn’t any way you can keep them immune from life…life happens and so does shit. The way you train them to deal with adversity is what matters. If your kid is in trouble and is unable to consider you as the go to person, no matter how good you think you have raised them; you my friend have failed at modern day parenting.
To kids, it is my humble request to develop some sense of responsibility and learn to deal with difficult times. Do not continue to exist in a bubble. Burst it. Come outta it. Live. Love. Laugh. Don’t just EXIST. And in all this get a hold of your hormones cause there is a lot more to LIFE then just forcing a LOVE story on to yourself just cause its trending. Lol
To aunts, uncles, distant “haw haye” brigade and others, for the love of Lord don’t force the youth to cut off from you and then complain about it. You poking your nose in the affairs of others shall only add fuel to the fire of rebellion. Stop doing that. Period!!
To each one of the soul searching for someone to confide in, return back to the roots. Confide in Almighty and then in someone who won’t tell you to get over it but will actually listen to you and tell you that you are not alone. Someone who would be able to identify your defence mechanism, catch you off guard but not judge you rather be able to show you the light at the end of the tunnel.
Love and respect for all. 🙂