Disclaimer: This is a serious work (called satire) on not-so-much serious stuff. If you laugh or chuckle while reading this piece, Surkhiyan will not be responsible.
After experimenting on 100, 760 watermelons in 10 years, teachers and students of the Lahore University of Management Sciences (LUMS) have come up with a landmark discovery on how to pick a sweet, juicy, ripe and perfect watermelon. The research is likely to revolutionise business, economy and social and pure sciences, says the research paper ‘Welcome watermelon: way to wellness and wealth’ published in research journal called ‘All about tarbooz’ in May 2019 edition.
“The findings will impact every household in Pakistan, who mostly lose Rs 100 to 1,000 or even more a session by picking a wrong, overripe and starchy hindwana,” said Dr Melon Water, the lead author of the paper.
“You don’t know how much pain I’ve suffered whenever I bought an overripe watermelon,” he sighed, when asked why he started the research.
“My family would question my degrees, my qualification, my teaching experience, my job credentials, and even my common sense, whenever I bought an eight kg watermelon which turned out to be sour, white-red, or unripe.”
The research involved 100 students and as many teachers who volunteered for the study.
“Believe me every one of them was affected by watermelon woes,” the professor swore on a perfectly ripe watermelon in front of him.
The first five years of the research were consumed on finding out the early, peak and late seasons of the pyramid-shaped fruit.
After visiting 100 farms, and as many markets, the researchers discovered that the fruit hit the market in early weeks of April, was available abundantly in May and petered down in June. Even though every cart vendors had clear idea about the watermelon season, the researchers used several research techniques to find the months of watermelon.
Later on, the researchers took up cases studies, the most favorite weapon of the LUMS world to learn or unlearn any simple thing.
Now, after 100 case studies, the LUMS researchers have found the formulas to pick a perfect watermelon.
1: To buy a perfect watermelon, one must be a watermelon fan. If you are not a watermelon fan, chances are sweet watermelons will not like you too. Be warned that watermelon does not treat well its fans either.
2: Plan to buy a watermelon only in the summer months of watermelon season. If you feel like eating a watermelon in November or December, you may not find the fruit.
3: Always select such a vendor or shop which has a heap of green watermelons. This will give you a plenty of choice to select the juicy fruit.
4: Once at a mountain of watermelons, pick one that is under your easy reach. Weigh the watermelon between your hands. Turn it over, at least three times. Now, pat on it slightly and now firmly and try to feel what is on the underside.
5: Now, leave it and pick another one. Repeat the patting pattern.
6: Now, pick the third one, and after smacking it gently, ask the vendor in Punjabi or Urdu (not in English, for God’s sake) that what about this one.
6: After getting his opinion, ask another buyer for a second opinion.
7: Try to read their opinion with skepticism. If the shopkeeper says the selection is full of a splotch on its belly, and is brimming with juice, he is just making a good guess which can be either wrong or right.
8: Give a try to your gut feelings. Pick those pieces which are big and feel heavy for their size.
9: Buy at least three pieces, and chances are that of them, two will turn out to be either under-ripe or over-ripe. If you are lucky, the third will be perfectly ripe.
10: So, the case studies conclude that if you are lucky one, your every third melon will be worth eating. Brief your families about this bitter, but 1/3 juicy fact.
The research is certain that through these techniques, every household can save hundreds of thousands every month, which will boost the economy. Also, it will save them from emotional trauma.
The research will be presented at an international research conference on melons in Washington next month.